And before you ask me to never use the word “sluice” again, here’s a lovely picture of a sluice from Wikimedia Commons:

I would also like to relay that “sluice” is a surprising safe Google Image search.

We will now carry on with our regularly scheduled blog post.

So, what’s coming down the sluices!?

I’ve been conspicuously silent across both this blog and Mystery’s blog (where this, incidentally, is being cross-posted, if you’re reading this at Mystery’s blog, you may want to check out Top Fermented), for the past couple of weeks and that’s primarily because my days have been turned into a twisting mass of odd jobs, manual labor, staring at the wall waiting for inspiration, and alternately burying myself so deep into work that I forget to eat. A good chunk of this has been keeping me away from writing.

But it hasn’t been keeping me away from the computer. More on that in a sec.

I’m on a more regular schedule now, where I’m actually spending 3 days a week “at the office” so you should be seeing a few more blog posts popping up here and there.

Also popping up should be the fruits of (some of) my labor, so here’s a little preview of what to expect in the next couple of weeks:

Educational Opportunities

In case you haven’t heard, myself and a couple of excellent friends organized and hold a monthly beer Meetup here in the Triangle in NC called Taste Your Beer for lack of a better, more inspiring, name. It’s been received pretty well and people seem genuinely excited to learn more about beer – not how to make it, but how to enjoy it, and just more about beer in general. So when I heard that there were upcoming Cicerone exams coming to Raleigh, I had the idea to make a study group for it.

However, after thinking about it, I thought – why limit this to just people who want to become Cicerones? Lots of people want to learn about beer but don’t necessarily have the desire (or the work experience and wallet) to become Cicerones. That’s why, starting in February, I’ll be offering beer education classes at my location at Mystery Brewing. It’ll be an 8 week class meeting once a week (with a few exceptions) covering beer from ingredient cultivation to serving and food pairing including off-flavors and style samples. It will cover the Cicerone exam content thoroughly so if you, like me, want to take the Cicerone exam in April or June, then this should act as an excellent study guide. However, if you just want to learn about beer then that’s cool, too.

Look for more information about these classes popping up in the next few days. We need to get going soon to be ready for the Cicerone exam AND the World Beer Festival.

New Website

With a new brewing company comes a new website. The blog over at mysterybrewingco.com will soon be going away for a more robust website with some features that I think will be fairly interesting to people. Among them are the normal kind of website things: discussion boards, a news feed, info about the brewery, social media and that sort of crap. But here’s a little preview of some of the other things I’m working on (not all of which will be up and running immediately):

• A check-in point/badge system specifically for Mystery Brewing. Think FourSquare, or Untappd except you actually have the chance to get REAL REWARDS if you earn the right badges: Discounts on brewery merch, beer, private brewery tours, beer, t-shirts, beer, stickers, and probably, at some point, beer. This should launch with the new website, even if beer won’t.



• A Mystery beer genealogy tree. I am quite proud of the fact that all of my beers started as homebrew recipes, and I am telling you now that they are all going to evolve over time. Recipes I have now may spawn other recipes in the future. This beer genealogy tree will be a way to find out how all Mystery beers are linked together, batch to batch over time. It will serve as a means as helping people find out both what they enjoyed about a beer and what new beers they might enjoy. Once all the equipment drops into place and Mystery beer starts hitting bars and restaurants, this will also serve as a way to track which batches of which beer are out in the public and where you can find them.
• An ongoing art contest. I am a big fan of the arts in general. I went to an art school for my undergraduate experience and was, shall we say, intimate with the art school, even though I was only a performing artist, myself. I would like to take the opportunity to showcase art through Mystery. In specific, I will be announcing an ongoing art contest of sorts through which artists of any sort – professional, amateur, painters, web comics, whatever – can submit artwork for use to represent beer in our repertoire. The artist who’s work is chosen will receive money in return for the use of the art, as well as a royalty for every piece of (non-packaging) merchandise sold using the artwork. (Since we won’t be in bottles for a good long time, we’re talking posters, t-shirts, etc.) More details on this later in the spring, but artists, start thinking Evangeline.
• Weekly updates on progress in the brewery. Things are starting to pick up speed and while anybody who is part of the classes up above will be able to see things starting to pop up around them, a lot of people don’t know what exactly is going on in there, so we’re going to get into some detailed updates on how we’re progressing toward getting beer on the market, even if that update is why progress isn’t being made. Back when I started Top Fermented, this is one of the things I really wanted to do is get into the nitty-gritty of what goes on behind the scenes when a brewery is opening. For the most, especially when it’s come to financing, I’ve felt like it was either a little boring or getting into detail would get into confidentiality issues with my partners. Now that we’re moving past getting money and into (*whimper*) spending it, I feel a little more like I can let people behind the curtain. Prepare yourselves to see week after week after week of.. ermm.. well… pictures of an empty cement box. Yaaay!
• More from me about the industry in general. I’ll be folding Top Fermented into the new website. It’ll still exist on the original domain and function independently, but it will also be integrated into the new website as the brewer’s blog. It means no more separation of sites and it should mean a more rigorous update schedule. It might also mean that I piss more people off that I probably want to retain the respect of as I voice my opinions, but.. ermm.. well.. that sucks.

  Okay – this part isn’t nearly as exciting to you as it is to me. Still. I’m excited.

Kickstart-y Goodness

And no, that doesn’t mean that I’m starting another Kickstarter project (yet), but Kickstarter backers will remember that there are still homebrew recipes to go out, Irregulars memberships to revel in, beer dinners to eat, and video chats to watch. I haven’t forgotten, and there will be movement on a couple of these things soon.

And more.. much, much more.

If I’m running into any sort of problem, lately, it’s the fact that I have more ideas for things to do than I have resources and, frankly, spare neurons for processing. The important part that my next blog post should be a snark filled rant about some sort of craft beer segment piece and not one of these lame update sessions.

But! The future is bright and there’s beer there. Join me!

À votre santé,
Erik

Dear Stone,

I get it. I do. I am wlel vresed in codemy, I haev a bakcgruond in perfroming it adn witring it adn for a ltitle whiel I was even tyring to carft my own gradatue dergee in “codemy” as a cocnept. I aslo undersnatd iorny adn, proabbly unspurrisingly, agrroance. I see waht yuo’re donig heer, but I can’t get beihnd it.

I thuoght abuot witring tihs hueg gradn psot abuot teh toen of teh laebl. Abuot how teher’s tihs gaint risk of pishung teh fuax agrroance jsut a ltitle too far adn coimng off as atcually agrroant, even teh wohle bit abuot how “We ralieze it’s hmaun nautre to bleeive taht pregorss trowads getreanss is one’s own ieda.” has teh pobissility of bieng tracigally iornic, esecipally beecaus I supsect it’s plecad in tehre for iorny. Woudln’t it be iornic if an iornic statenemt tunred out to be iorny beecaus it was atcually ture? It’s liek meta targic iorny.

But I doutb taht’s teh caes. teh worsdmitihng is too naet, rihgt down to teh fatc taht teh olny wodrs speelled corretcly on teh bakc of teh laebl (asied from teh hepler wodrs taht hold teh whole tihng togetehr or wodrs taht are too sohrt to missepll) are “banal” adn “sheeple.” It’s too naet adn caclulated for yuo to not get teh chaenc of teh triple iornic tiwst, esecipally sicne teh produtc itslef is a belnd of trhee diffneret agrroant beers. Smrt! I see what yuo’re donig heer!

I thuoghtt abuot witring a ginat psot abuot how gorlifying teh misues of lagnuage is an afwul tihng, adn tehn I thuoght: wlel, taht’s jsut studip. (And look waht it’s gievn me!) Yes – gorlifying teh misuse of lagnuage IS a terbrile tihng, but tihs isn’t a gorlification, tihs is poikng fun at it. See (for teh peolpe flolowing alogn at hoem), tehir beign agrroant in teh toen adn text of teh laebl, but tehy can’t even be botehred to splel teh wodrs rihgt – thus teh homur! AH AH! It’s iorny (sotra) beecaus tehy’re so convicned of tehir own getreanss – atfer all, tehy tell yuo all abuot how awesmoe tehy are on teh laebl – but tehy can’t even spell wodrs right. Get it?

Taht laeds me to teh last poitn taht I was giong to brign up: Ameircans don’t get iorny. Liek, really. Tehy jsut don’t understadn it. Yuo’re fithging a losign baltte on tihs one. Tehy think it maens sacrasm or coinicdence or sometihng otehr wrogn tihng. Blaem graed scoohls, blaem Alasin Mossriette, blaem it on teh rain, whaveter. It’s a fatc.

I wuold bet taht most peolpe don’t get why teh entier laebl is speelled wrogn. Hlel, tehre are proabbly a lot of peolpe taht don’t even know taht all of tehse wodrs are speelled wrong adn yes, yuo’re right in bevieling taht tehy are proabbly not teh ones taht will be buying teh procudt, eitehr, so kuods on knoiwng yuor tagret audeicne. I wuold bet taht tehre is also a hueg chukn of yuor tagret audeicne taht don’t really get why yuor laebl is speelled wrong, eitehr. Tehy proabbly thikn, “Oh, taht’s Stoen agian, bieng wakcy.” Adn yuo know what? taht’s cool – I don’t mind taht if yuo don’t mind taht. It fits wiht yuor bradn, so… awesmoe.

But for me tehre’s a wohle difrefent leevl taht I jsut need to verlabize: It took me a monht of seieng peolpe reveiw yuor beer to rezalie taht tehy weern’t spleling it wrogn, taht it was intletionanly Lukcy Basartd. Adn yuo know why taht botehrs me? Beecaus I watn to corretc tehir spleling eveyr signle danm tiem. Wehn it coems to spleling, I am an agrroant basardt.

Tihs is jsut– it’s fcuking mandeding. I can’t NOT raed tihngs. Hunams are awesmoe liek taht – once we laern to raed, it’s complusory. Yuo look at a sign, a psoter, or whatveer: yuo read it. It hanpeps eveyr tiem I see taht Lukcy Basardt laebl, adn it maeks me cry isnide whatveer wierd spleling cneter is in my bnair.

So, tihs is bascilaly jsut a letetr to say: danm yuo, yuo susseccful basartds for makign me haet lookign at yuor laebls adn yet still watning to drikn yuor beer. Danm yuo to hlel.

Chrees,
Eirk

Hey, everyone! Have you heard the news? FREE BEER! Yaaaaaaaaay!

That’s right! Anheuser-Busch-InBev is launching a new marketing campaign and it’s time to PAR-TAY! The new “Grab some Buds” campaign is targeted at the 21-30 demographic and culminates in a free national Budweiser Happy Hour on September 29th. [reference]

It warms the cockles of my jaded little heart.

This new campaign is targeted at the 21 – 30 demographic, which AB-InBev has determined is the primary reason that they’ve seen a 20% dip in unit sales for their flagship over the past 2 years. In order to invigorate the market and to bring people back into the fold of their bland overlords a new ad campaign and enormous marketing gimmick must be had because that’s what Budweiser does. They market things. They also, apparently, make beer.

Here’s the thing: I’m sure it will work.

For a day.

I ask you this: Who over the age of 21, among people who are likely to drink beer, hasn’t tried Budweiser? What are they really trying to achieve by doing this?

Let’s talk for a second about why Budweiser (the beer, not the company) is losing market share.

1) Many drinkers have discovered that they actually have taste buds and like things that taste good and have moved up to craft beer.

2) Many (other) drinkers have decided that Bud doesn’t really taste that different from Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Milwaukee’s Best Light Ice, PBR, Schaeffer’s, Stroh’s, Genny Light, or any one of hundreds of other sub-premium adjunct pilsners and have moved DOWN in price point to get the same crap taste for less money because, hey – have you noticed that the economy isn’t that great? Why pay more for what is essentially the same product? Or maybe they’re just hipsters.

This happy hour WILL work. People who are predisposed to drink Budweiser and who like getting trashed on a Wednesday night will show up for their free sample of Bud. They’ll stick around and have a few more – though I’d be curious to find out if they keep drinking Bud once it’s on their dime. Bars and restaurants will be pressured by Budweiser distributors to buy extra kegs to stock up for the obvious DELUGE of business that they’re sure to get on the 29th, but don’t worry, they’ll kick in an extra keg if you buy enough, or maybe snag you some tickets to the ballgame. You know, a little quid pro quo to get you through your day.

Sales will look up, investors and stock market lackeys will be mollified because 3rd quarter sales look like they might have some life, but in the end, will they really pick up a big slew of new Budweiser drinkers to revive and sustain their flagging brand?

I don’t see it happening.

Let me introduce you to one of my largest pet peeves: The feeling that just because I’m eating a food from a certain culture or country that I somehow need to be served the crappy industrial lager of that country.

Chinese food? Tsingtao. Japanese food? Sapporo. Mexican food? Corona. Italian food? Birra Moretti. Indian food? Kingfisher.

Not to mention Lion Lager, Castle Lager, Aguila, Tiger, Singha, Kirin, Sol, Dos Equis, Tusker, Orion, Red Stripe, Jinlan, Peroni, Carib, Tecate, Modelo, Pacifico, Taj Mahal, San Miguel, Presidente, Brahma, Saigon, Chang, Saku, Bali Hai, and on and on and on.

That’s just a few – a very, very, very few – of the hundreds of brands of light industrial lager made ’round the world, branded specifically for the country that they’re being sold in, and then served to me in a restaurant under the auspices that this will somehow go well with the food because the name sounds right.

Can we stop this, please? It’s sad and embarrassing. Pair by flavor, not by name. It suggests that the beer is a decoration rather than a beverage.

Let me tell you why my favorite sushi restaurant is my favorite:

Is it the best sushi around? It’s good, but not the best.

Is it the always-on buy-one-get-one-free special? Eh, nice, but an excuse to overcharge.

Is it the fact that have the most authentic decor? Not even remotely.

Is it the swarthy staff of Latinos assuming that most Americans won’t be able to tell the difference between South American and South Asian? Well. That is pretty amusing.

Is it because of the flavorful range of sakes? Close, but no cigar.

It is because I can get craft beer there that actually goes well with the sushi. I can get good sushi with good beer. Not great sushi with shitty beer. Not shitty sushi with great beer. But good sushi with good beer. Is that too much to ask?

Would it be so hard for a Mexican restaurant carry an IPA? The food is practically made for it.

I don’t want to suggest that there are no well-made international lagers. There are, and they have their place in cuisine and fine drinking. But the majority – the vast majority – of “international” beers out there are nothing more than the same old crap you get everywhere else: watered down, DMS-y, over-carbonated, light lager. What’s worse? They’re all made by the same 3 companies and just marketed differently. I would be shocked to find out that there are anything but superficial differences in the recipes.

So, come on restaurants, let’s cut the crap. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and guess that you’re in business because you think the food you serve tastes good. So why would you serve something less than excellent as a beverage to go with your cuisine? You can put the crappy international lager on the menu if it makes you feel more authentic, but support your local brewery and save a spot in your cooler for some actual good, flavorful beer that compliments your food. Your diners will thank you.

Who knew that the straw that broke the camel’s back would be carried there by a stoat, much less a stoat in a rather dapper kilt?

I don’t want to write about this beer – about whether or not it’s a beer, or whether or not it should be packaged in a squirrel, or anything. I’m on the side of things that, I believe, would make me a “hater“, even though I think I have fairly reasonable views. I do think that this is the most striking photography of roadkill that I have ever seen, and also I have a secret love of stoats that.. well, I guess is not so secret anymore.

What I want to write about is how fascinating I find it that BrewDog has apparently worn out their welcome on extreme beers so quickly. It’s really pretty amazing. Less than a year ago they were the new darlings of the craft beer industry. This past week, you’d think that they had made a beer made with dead stoat, not packaged in one. I think it’s a really interesting lesson.

Certainly, BrewDog is still getting a lot of really great coverage from mainstream media, but mainstream media continually shows their inability to report about craft beer. They still include things like how many Budweisers that would equal or use wine experts to talk about this new beer fad. Make a splash that will sell a couple of papers or make people keep their cable news on for more than a few minutes and the mainstream media will flock to you. In this case, I think that BrewDog deserves it. They have certainly made a statement.

I’m not sure that I think that BrewDog deserves the ire that it is receiving from craft beer enthusiasts, but I think I know how they got there. If I may:

Over-exclusivity: Craft beer geeks love hard-to-find stuff. Like any comic book with Superman #1 or baseball card collector looking for that Mickey Mantle rookie card, there’s prestige to be had amongst peers for those who can get their hands on rare beer. Why else is there such a hullabaloo over Dark Lord? No doubt, it is great beer. But there are many comparable imperial stouts on the market that are much easier to get your hands on. They don’t have the exclusivity.

With Tactical Nuclear Penguin, Brew Dog created their fair share of exclusivity by having a limited amount of a high end product and by being located in the farthest northern reaches of Scotland. It’s a real pain in the ass to get the product out of there, especially if you happen to live in the U.S. (which appears to be their primary market – I’d be interested to find out how much beer they sell in the U.S. vs. the U.K.). Somehow, TNP seemed like it was a fairly reasonable cost, up front. In the end, I was surprised that the bottle I partook of was only 12 ounces, but hey – there’s a price for exclusivity, and that price was ~$75.

Sink the Bismarck seemed like it carried on the joke, and actually got good reviews, but the price went up. And, of course, this happened again with The End of History leaving most beer geeks to wonder:

What’s the point of spending your time creating a beverage that nobody will ever drink?

and

Is something exclusive worth having if it’s specifically designed to be exclusive?

If a baseball card is release with a misprint, it becomes an immediate collectible. The value of the card goes up because the baseball card company will correct the misprint, thus making the misprinted card hard-to-find. The value of the card rises in the hands of collectors, but the original cost of the card was just the same as any card.

If baseball cards started getting released with intentional misprints, and sold by companies at a premium because of the exclusivity of said misprint, I think that the value – in the hands of collectors – would drop significantly.

Products become collectibles if everybody has a chance to attain said item but only a few do. By pushing the envelope like this, I think that BrewDog has actually pushed itself outside of realm of beer geek collectibles, simply because the product is not readily available to the common man. It’s, “Buy this if you’re rich.”

What I don’t think that BrewDog understands (based on their comments/responses to critics) is that people aren’t angry because the product was made, and most of them aren’t even angry that it’s packaged inside a dead animal. They’re angry because they’ll never get to try it. They never had a chance.

Gaudy Self-Promotion:

I like the BrewDog guys. I think they’re funny, and I think they make some good beer, even though I don’t think they push the envelope nearly as much as they think they do. I was surprised, upon meeting James at the Craft Brewers Conference this past year, that he seemed kind of shell-shocked and nervous. Maybe it was jet lag. I expected a little more Trainspotting, a little less polite Brit.

I dislike their videos.

Why? Because they make me laugh, they’re well-done, and I can tell that they know it. They’re always so fucking cool. It’s not irony and sarcasm that doesn’t carry to America, gentlemen, it’s the lack of self-loathing. Watch a few weeks of normal American sitcoms for a while to find out what kind of depressing drivel constitutes our national pastime (ie – watching television from 6PM – 11PM) and you’ll understand.

Okay.. really: That the product releases seem designed to be marketing campaigns for the brewery and, specifically for James and Martin and their costume rental outlet, rather than to actually promote a product available for general consumption is what irks. They’re funny, but the only thing they tell me is that you’re so cool for having made this product, and I’ll never get it and also, you’re awesome. It’s hard to swallow. I’ll keep watching them because they make me laugh, but they’ll make me cringe a little each time.

Responding to critics: Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Look, fellas: You are pushing the envelope on the extreme beer department. In this case, you’ve packaged a $1000 beverage inside of roadkill. Could you not foresee that this would cause some sort of a stir? It doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or you guys are goofing around. By responding to critics (with a numbered list on BeerAdvocate, a.k.a. snotty critic central), you leave us with one of three basic assumptions:

1) You had no idea that this product or the manner in which it was packaged it would cause this type of response, (which, frankly, raises some doubts about how much you’ve thought through product development) and you are honestly responding with surprise at how it’s being received.

2) You knew damn well that this product would be controversial and that responding to your critics in the fashion that you are is some sort of calculated part of your marketing.

3) You’re just making all this up as you go along.

Please, take this piece of advice from a nerd: Don’t feed the trolls. You knew that you’d get shit back about this. Why? Because you’ve been getting shit back about everything you’ve done pretty much since you opened. Responding only does two things. It gives people more ammunition and it makes you look like you’re either clueless or a dick. You’re the best representation your company has – you’re not doing yourself any favors by attempting to go point by point with anonymous douchebags on the internet. They have nothing to lose. You lose face, especially since you’re so effortlessly cool in your videos.

There are a lot of things you can do when people start to talk shit about your product on the internet. Direct response suggesting that they don’t understand? Low on the list. Real low.

All in all, BrewDog is, of course, going to come out ahead in all of this. Sure. They may have lost money on each stoat. They may lose cred with quite a few beer geeks who have watched this all unfold, but they have received an untold amount of international press which will probably end up selling enough 5 AM Saint and Punk Dog IPA to people who have never heard of them to make it all worth it… for now.

It’ll be interesting to see their next product release, how it’s handled, how it’s received, and how long BrewDog will be referenced by people outside of the industry as the “dead squirrel beer guys.”