08 Jun 2009 @ 9:22 AM 

If you’re a beer geek like I am, chances are you have had this happen to you:
Shitty beer.
You throw a party, you provide a cooler full of great beer alongside a kegerator of your own homemade stuff. There’s something for everyone. However, some kind friend, who just wanted to bring something to the party to be nice, decided that the best thing to do would be to bring a mixed case of Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, and Natty Ice. Said friend then drinks your good beer, leaving the present of the stuff that you pretty much will never drink behind for you to deal with.

So, what do you do with this stuff?

My friends, I am here to help you. I have lived long with this problem and I have come up with many interesting ways to use this white elephant.

Re-gifting is, by far, the easiest thing to do. After all, it’s fairly likely that it’s exactly how it got to your house. Just pack it up and bring it to somebody else’s party. Eventually, it’s going to land somewhere where it will get drunk.

Fire up the grill and make Beer Can Chicken. This is really dicey if you only have bottles.

Sauces and marinades work really well with beer. This goes from BBQ sauce to Bechamel. Beer can and will work as a base for sauce, even light BMC stuff. It’s also a great base for marinades for shrimp and lobster (especially if you’re throwing them on the grill).

Baking Cake? Cookies? Bread? Torte? Doesn’t matter. Replace some (or all) of the water in the recipe with beer. Instant moistness in your finished product.

Shampoo. No shit.

Slug bait. If you have a garden – maybe you’re growing hops – and you have a problem with slugs, put a can of crappo beer out. Slugs will be on it like frat boys. The difference is that the slugs will drown in it.

Get stains out. It works like club soda. Let’s face it. It almost is club soda. You probably want to do this on something that you’ll subsequently put in the washer so you don’t have to smell like crappy beer afterwards, but it will work the same way.

Composting: Shitty beer is *great* in the compost pile. You need to keep your compost pile wet, anyway, and some of the work in composting is done by natural yeasts, so it’s a perfect fit. I generally only do this with shitty beer that’s skunked that I really don’t want to use for anything else. Warning: If you do this with a LOT of beer, your compost pile WILL smell like a bar room floor.

Drink it, but only if you’re really desperate.

Hit Google. There are sites out there that claim that you can do anything from polishing wooden furniture to curing dead spots on your lawn. Take a look. I doubt the veracity of a lot of them (especially the fertilizer one), but all of it is worth trying before you dump that stuff down the drain.

Posted By: erik
Last Edit: 08 Jun 2009 @ 09:22 AM

Categories: op-ed


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