19 Sep 2009 @ 8:51 AM 

I just found this fantastic set of rules on Lang Brau Schönbrunner’s website (NSFW), translated from German:

This is brilliant:

Recommendation Manual for Schönbrunner Erotic Beer

1. Attention: do not open an Erotic bottle in public! (Erotic effect can have immediate impact)

2. Do not let Erotic Beer linger in your throat, but rather swallow it immediately! (Can cause throat swelling: death by suffocation is not to be excluded.)

3. If you drink an Erotic Beer at home, do not bother to turn the television on as you won’t have a chance to watch it: the Erotic impact takes effect immediately.

4. Cold-blooded people may not experience the erotic impact immediately. No problem! Simply open more Erotic Beer bottles, 5 to 8 bottles and… cheers! Afterwards, watch your body closely. Normally, it should work. If not, consult your physician as soon as possible.

Quotation from a satisfied Erotic Beer drinker: “Since I started drinking Erotic Beer, it even works in my marriage!”

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 15 Sep 2009 @ 11:29 AM 

Have you seen this article? It got popped up on a few beer-related Twitter feeds yesterday. It’s… it’s ridiculous. I’ll give you a link, but no.. don’t click on it, we’re going to talk about this in length all right here. Don’t you dare leave. I’m re-printing this article in its entirety as it was published, with comments. (The ABC “Travel” Section)

Sexy Beer the New Viagra?

Bavarian Brewery Claims to Spice Up Sex Lives With a New Erotic Beer

By JOSIE COX
September 14, 2009

Jürgen Hopf fits the stereotype of a Bavarian beer-maker, with his traditional felt hat, rosy cheeks, and proudly protruding beer-belly. But Hopf has given Germany’s favorite drink an unlikely twist, creating libido-enhancing beer.

When I think of Bavarian beer-makers, I think of felt hats. Don’t you? Okay. Maybe. I kinda feel like they don’t wear them to brew, though.

The real reason for the call out here is that link. It points to an article named Do Drinkers Exercise More Than Their Sober Peers? which is about the Boston Hash House Harriers, “a drinking club with a running problem.” I can see why it’s linked to from “protruding beer-belly” but only just barely.

And the potion which he created almost seven years ago, has gone from strength to strength. Sales of the bottles adorned with a picture of a woman removing her top now make up more than a tenth of all the beer brewed in his village.

You started a sentence and a paragraph with “And?” It’s not even a remotely complete sentence. Can I be a paid journalist? Please?

His village, by the way? Wunsiedel, Bayern, Germany, population 10,000. Notice that it makes up more than a tenth of all the beer brewed in the village, not the beer consumed in the village.

The brewery is Lang Bräu. Here they are on Beer Advocate.

I suppose that since the brewery lists 17 beers on their website (the last paragraph of this article says they make 13), 10% of the production is fairly decent.

But his invention came about by chance, Hopf says. “I work at a brewery where all the processes are automated. One night though, the system failed and I was called up to try and fix it as I live just over the road,” he told SPIEGEL ONLINE. “It was the middle of the night and there wasn’t a soul in sight so I crossed the road wearing just my little boxer shorts and slippers.”

What happened next is something which Hopf describes as pure magic. When he entered the brewery the machine was completely broken and couldn’t be restarted. Semi-naked with no sleeves to role up, he picked up a large stick and started stirring the soupy brew by hand. “I suddenly felt strange and I knew that this beer would be different from any beer we had ever made before,” he recalls.

Excuse my french, but… Are you fucking kidding me!?

I suddenly felt strange?!

This blows my mind.

Never mind that they’re supposedly doing heat-based tasks overnight with no supervision. Never mind that even an automated brew system needs a human to, say, move hoses, or clean things, or even push a damn button now and then. How did they know that the system failed if there was nobody there? Also – when it failed to work, he “picked up a large stick” (let’s assume a mash paddle, at least) and started stirring it by hand whilst wearing nothing but boxer shorts and slippers?!

Either this guy or the person who wrote this article is a total freakin’ toolbag.

I wonder how all the people in the brewing industry who have gone through extensive skin grafting due to burns would feel about the safety procedures laid out here.

Bavarian Loin Cloth

Sure enough, two months later, the beer brewed that night back in 2002, had become somewhat of a local legend. Anyone in the village of Schönbrunn — a settlement of 1,400 in the heart of the Fichtelgebirge Mountains in Bavaria — who tried the beverage, reported a drastically increased libido. “Everyone I asked told me that they had not watched TV in the weeks,” Hopf chuckles, “instead they had went straight to the bedroom with no time to spare!”

I bet it was a local legend. “Hey, remember when the fat guy with the felt hat went over to the brewery in the middle of the night and made beer in his boxers on a broken brew system?” “Yeah, how was that even drinkable?” “No idea, but it made me HORNY!”

I.. you.. NO. No. You are NOT passing this off as a real news article.

Also! That link up there? It points to an article called Guinness Storehouse Most Visited Site in Ireland which, yes, is a local legend but not THIS local legend.

And hey.. wait! 2002? This subtitle to this article says, “Bavarian Brewery Claims to Spice Up Sex Lives With a New Erotic Beer”. Since when has 7 years old counted as new?

Hopf produced his “Erotic Beer” in ever larger batches. But each bottle is still brewed manually in the middle of the night by the 53-year-old brewmaster, who dresses in nothing but a scant, traditional Bavarian loin-cloth when making his beer.

A Bavarian loin-cloth? We must be talking about lederhosen, here. This is a loin cloth.

You know why he brews it in the middle of the night? Because everyone he works with thinks he’s a nutjob. It’s probably the best way to avoid safety and sanitation inspections, too.

Today, his brainchild has become one of the most successful products in the small village, which relies on agriculture and is home to only a few family owned businesses.

Link points to Anheuser-Busch Markets Bud Light Cans to College Students – totally related, right?

Although beer is commonly believed to lower a man’s fertility, other companies — such as the German biggest erotic store chain Beate Uhse — have also tried their hand at marketing libido-enhancing versions of Germany’s favorite drink. The “Popp-Bier,” German slang for “F*@# Beer,” with 4.8 percent alcohol content, hit the shelves in 2007 but was snubbed for its stiff price of almost €10 for a standard bottle.

Now there’s an amazing sentence, “beer is commonly believed to lower a man’s fertility.” I can find no actual science to totally corroborate this. It wouldn’t actually surprise me, but written out like that seems like a great way to start/spread some sort of urban legend and reminds me, again, of the Science News Cycle.

I have found what appears to be a follow up study (though I am not sure to what) in which the conclusion of the study is:

“A woman’s alcohol intake is associated with decreased fecundability even among women with a weekly alcohol intake corresponding to five or fewer drinks. This finding needs further corroboration, but it seems reasonable to encourage women to avoid intake of alcohol when they are trying to become pregnant.”

I’m not sure that’s quite the same message.

I would also like to point out that the link in that paragraph, from “commonly believed” goes to a video report about 2007’s hop shortage. Out of date and unrelated.

Hopf’s “Erotic Beer,” on the other hand, was an instant hit when it was unveiled at an international beer fair in Milan, Italy, in 2002. “The Italian machos were absolutely crazy about it,” recalls Hopf, whose name is almost the German translation of the English word for hops — the flower used in the production of beer.

The Italian machos were absolutely crazy about it, huh? I suppose that had nothing to do with the naked woman on the label,. (NSFW)

A Miracle Potion

Since its Milan debut, the company has branched out with its brand, selling “Erotic Beer” beer mats, T-shirts, bottle openers and beer tumblers as well as a special fridge, with the brewery’s logo and a picture of a semi-naked woman plastered across the door.

At the 2007 Oktoberfest — Munich’s annual beer-swilling festival — Hopf was told that his beer had helped an infertile woman in the United Kingdom become pregnant. His explanation: The beer must be a miracle potion.

No. Abso-fucking-lutely not. No, no, no. This beer did NOT help an infertile woman become pregnant. Not without a reference! Not without explaining how!

The drink is the product of an unusual manufacturing process. After being brewed, the beer is stored in a special “Erotic Beer Cellar,” separate from the other 13 types of beer produced by the family business. A special neon light is shone on to it, and the composition “Also sprach Zarathustra” (Thus Spoke Zarathustra) by the German romantic composer Richard Strauss is played. “That’s the only song which works the magic,” Hopf explains.

YES! An Erotic Beer Cellar! Holy shit. An erotic beer cellar where you dress in a “scant Bavarian loin-cloth” and skunk the beer on purpose while watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. When I have my brewery I am TOTALLY building an Erotic Beer Cellar. That is the sexiest thing ever!

“My life has changed since my breakthrough in 2002,” he says, “and I’m not only talking about my life as a brewer. I’ve been married for 25 years and I’m not going to tell you too much about my wife, but I can assure you that she’s a fan of Erotic Beer.”

This is one of those, “No! I’ve got a girlfriend! She lives in Canada!” lines isn’t it? “I won’t tell you much about her, but she loves my little felt hat and Bavarian loin-cloth, if you know what I’m saying!” You’re saying you’re single? Gotchya.

Is it any wonder that a people don’t take beer as seriously as wine? Regardless of the clearly fictional properties and process behind the “Erotic Beer”, this article is downright embarrassing. It’s written poorly. There has clearly been no research done on the beer, the town, the brewery, the brewer, the Bavarian loin-cloth, the brewing process or anything. There is no supporting information substantiating any of these outlandish claims or even what, aside from the soundtrack, makes the beer an aphrodisiac.

It is, however, proof again that people should be paying me to write articles, instead.

More on Erotic Beer in this post!

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Categories: marketing, media, new beer
Posted By: erik
Last Edit: 19 Sep 2009 @ 10 25 AM

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